Cook's Assistant

The Lumbridge Castle cook is in trouble. Duke Horacio wants food, but the microwave oven hasn't been invented yet. Help the cook keep his job despite the fact that he even burnt the bread back in the Tutorial Island.

Trouble in the kitchen

 * Talk to the Cook on the ground floor of Lumbridge Castle. He tells you that he got hired only 3 days ago, and now Duke Horacio wants food. The problem is that he's not really a cook, he's actually just a cabbage farmer from Falador. He had been drinking heavily one night, and in the morning he woke up in Lumbridge courtyard. Since he had no idea where he was, and no money either, the only option was taking the first job he could find.


 * However, he can't just quit the job, as Duke Horacio would then proceed to publicly hang him for treason. But the Cook has an idea. As a young man, he once visited the Oracle at the Ice Mountain, hoping to lose his virginity. But instead he received a slap on his face, and a prophecy:


 * "There will be a time, when that who cannot cook, will be able to cook. And the food will turn from raw to cooked, from cooked to burnt, from burnt to ashes! And the ashes will spread all over Misthalin, and all the cabbages will turn black! And every third potato shall taste of strawberries!"


 * Neither one of you have any idea what the crazy babblings mean though, so you start thinking about other possible solutions. Suddenly you hear a loud bang echoing from the kitchen cellar.

Perverted goblin
Items required: A light source, small fishing net, combat gear and food (recommended), Relicym's balm (recommended)


 * Climb down the ladder and go check what happened in the cellar. You will notice that a dark hole has appeared on one of the walls. A strange repetitive wet noise is coming from the darkness. Step right in front of the hole and try to see what's on the other side. Suddenly some unidentified thick white liquid bursts from the hole and hits you in the eye. Then you hear the cheeky laughter of a goblin, echoing from the other side.


 * Note: If you enter the hole without a light source, you will stumble and hit your head in a rock, and your unconscious body will get molested by cave slimes.


 * After you step through the hole, you arrive in a dank cave. You briefly see a naked goblin running deeper into the dark caverns. Follow him and you will arrive in a large cave with an underground lake and an ancient tree. Raw pike are growing on the branches, and they will occasionally yell obscenities at you. Pick one raw pike from the tree and cook it in the sulphur vent nearby.


 * Suddenly you experience a flashback of a time when the atoms of a giant rat rearranged themselves in a new cosmic order. Visions of green rats with eight limbs and three heads fill your mind. You see a pulsating kebab travelling through deep space, when it abruptly stops inside an unknown vessel. A metallic box, loaded with radiation and energy. The molecules of the kebab begin to vibrate rapidly, and what happens next is unexplainable and absolutely absurd. It becomes cooked!


 * You wake up to a goblin urinating on your face. The goblin chuckles happily and jumps into the underground lake. Follow him into the whirlpool, and after many uncomfortable minutes, you arrive in a sewer corridor. Follow the footsteps of the goblin until you arrive in a junction. The goblin pulls a lever, opening a metal gate nearby. Suddenly a big slimy frog surprises you from behind, and begins to hump you violently.

The Battle

 * Note: You can activate Protect from Melee to nullify damage and avoid becoming diseased.


 * The Horny frog has 200 health, and is fairly easy to kill if you've ever used a computer before.


 * Shake the horny frog off your back quickly by doing the dance emote. If you take too long you will be hit for 30% of your maximum health, become diseased, and lose your virginity. You can keep your virginity by activating the Protect Item prayer though.


 * Attack the frog normally. At 75% health the frog will attempt to reproduce with you again. Do the jig emote to shake it off. Keep fighting and at 50% health you will be assaulted once again. This time do the jump for joy emote, and the frog will fly off and hit its head into the ceiling. You hear a nasty crack and the frog becomes furious.


 * The frog will now start violating you with its tongue, which does up to 10 ranged damage. At 25% the frog will once again begin humping you. Do the headbang emote twice and the frog will fall off. Enraged by your cockblocking, the frog starts spurting boiling-hot sperm all around the room. Activate Protect from Ranged or you will definitely get a disease.


 * At 1 hp left, the frog will use its last powers to assault you extra rough. Do the jump for joy emote 50 times, and the frog will finally fly off at an incredible speed and experience an abrupt and painful stop at the ceiling. You hear a satisfying ting and the frog's skull cracks open. General Graardor steps out from the hole in the skull, bows deeply, and smacks you in the head with a copper pan.

What is this place?

 * You wake up naked and tied to a chair in a gloomy cellar somewhere in Dorgesh-Kaan. The floor is covered in various bodily fluids, and you can see a banana and olive oil(2) lying near your chair. Try doing the dance emote, but the rope is too strong and nothing happens. Try yelling for help, but you will only hear a goblin giggling nearby.


 * You finally get a great idea, thanks to your traumatic hunting experiences. Tie a small fishing net onto the rope and wait for 2 minutes. You receive the message "The net trap that you set has collapsed", and you're finally freed from the chair. The Deranged goblin in the corner instantly notices what you have done, and starts throwing faeces at you. You will get diseased regardless of your prayers, as no divine force is powerful enough to protect you from such disgrace. Kill the deranged goblin and pick up the brown key it drops. Optional: Pick up your clothes from the barrel in the corner, or just continue naked.


 * Open the locked door with the key, and climb up the stairs. You find yourself in a Bandosian Herb Den. You see Wise Old Man, Thurgo and the Perverted goblin you chased earlier, sitting at a table playing cards and smoking grimy ranarr. Confront the goblin and beat him to death. Angered by the interruption you caused to their card game, Thurgo stabs you with a pie dish, and a passionate pub brawl ignites. Crawl under a table and start pondering on your life choices.


 * Suddenly the bouncer grabs you by the neck, and throws you out into the street. Follow the street south, and once you reach the marketplace, a goblin with large bulging eyes walks to you and says: "Welcome to Dorgesh-Kaan human, we are the cave goblins, would you like a bat kebab?" Politely accept the kebab and choke on it.


 * You experience another flashback. Visions of endless dunes and retarded camels flash before your eyes. You see a white city surrounded by a desert. You enter a small house and feel the warm aura of fresh kebab pulsating in the room, whispering gluttonous thoughts into your head. Suddenly everything changes around you, and you find yourself in a laboratory. Millennia of cave goblin technology mindfucks you thoroughly, and among the masterpieces of goblin engineering, you see the promise of a greater oven. Now you finally understand what the Oracle was trying to say!

Final Showdown
Items required: 5 Steel bars, 2 bronze wire, combat gear and food (recommended)


 * You wake up in a cave goblin hospital. They managed to remove the kebab from your lungs, but they accidentally also operated on your genitals. Leave the ward and follow the corridor to the lobby. There's a bank chest in the lobby of the hospital. Make sure to collect the bars and wire, and restock supplies for the upcoming battle!


 * Return to the marketplace and you will bump into General Graardor again. Angered by your escape from the cellar, he starts swinging his axe at you, destroying everything in his path. Attack him once he stops swinging his axe. Soon he will start rampaging again, and you have to lure him at one of the pillars surrounding the marketplace. Repeat the cycle until all the pillars have been destroyed. The ceiling of Dorgesh-Kaan begins to crumble down. A huge rock falls down and turns General Graardor into an organic carpet. Run south into a laboratory and snatch a crate of blueprints. Enter the teleporter at the back of the lab and you will be teleported to a dwarven workshop.


 * Pick up the shears and a bottle of glue from the nearby table. Cut all the cave goblin blueprints into small pieces, and randomly glue them together. This might not succeed on the first try, but you can sniff the glue for improved chances. Once successful, you will receive the Microwave oven blueprint. Manufacture the microwave by using the steel bars on the crafting table in the workshop.

Testing the microwave oven

 * Return to Lumbridge and install the microwave oven in the kitchen. Ask the cook to try turning it on, but nothing happens. You then realise that Lumbridge Castle has no electricity. Steal Duke Horacio's credit card and order a dwarven electricity generator from Keldagrim. Wait 2 months for the generator to finally arrive in the mail. Connect it to the microwave and start the generator. Now the cook is able to turn it on.


 * The cook asks you to test the microwave before he starts using it, in case it explodes and a nuclear winter occurs. He gives you a list of things you should try heating in it: pot of flour, bucket of milk and an egg.

Pot of flour

 * Pick up an empty pot and travel to the windmill north of Lumbridge. Head to the top floor of the windmill and search the crates for various items. Throw the empty pot and all the random items inside the hopper. Pull the lever and you will hear the satisfying sounds of severe malfunction. Grab the obscure powder from the bin on the ground floor, and store it in the rusty bucket you can find right next to the bin. Escape quickly, before the miller realises what you have done.


 * Dump the powder inside the microwave oven and turn it on. A strange odor fills the room and you feel kinda funny. But nothing interesting happens. Remove the slightly burnt powder from the microwave and feed it to the ducks in River Lum.

Bucket of milk

 * Go to the farm east of River Lum and talk to the farmer, Seth Groats. Ask him about how to milk a cow. He tells you a dull story that lasts for an hour, then explains how to milk a cow, then tells you some seriously fucked up story that you wish you had never heard, and finally says that you have to be confident when milking the cows, otherwise they might trample you to death. He then hands you a big bottle of home-distilled spirit to boost your confidence. He also mentions that his daughter, Gillie Groats, is currently in the cow pen, and she can assist you if needed. Drink the whole bottle in one go and enter the cow pen.


 * You wake up to a stinging pain in your guts, and see Seth Groats poking you with a pitchfork. "You were supposed to milk the cows, not my daughter!" He spits on your face, lifts you up from your neck, and leads you to a secluded shed at the back of the farm. The next part is not suitable to write about. What happens in the shed, stays in the shed.


 * After Seth Groats finally leaves, crawl out of the shed and eat some grass to gain more energy. Start dragging yourself back towards the Lumbridge Castle. On the way there you notice the bucket from last night, hidden under a bush, filled with what seems like human milk. Drink the milk to cure your hangover, and realise that you still need a bucket of milk for the microwave. Find a giant rat behind the Lumbridge Castle and milk it. Put the bucket of rat milk inside the microwave oven and turn it on. Drink the warm milk and you start feeling a bit cheesy. Throw the bucket out of the window, and an unfortunate goblin somehow suffocates in it.

Egg

 * Head to Fred the Farmer's house and try to capture one of the chickens roaming in the yard. It manages to get away and starts running towards Draynor. Chase the chicken to Draynor, where you suddenly get robbed by Wise Old Man. Meanwhile the chicken heads towards Falador. Follow it and you will finally catch it near Falador Park. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wild PETA fanatic appears and bites your arm. The chicken escapes again and heads towards Taverley.


 * Run to Taverley and try to catch the chicken at the Druids' Circle. Unfortunately the druids happen to finish some twisted ritual at the same time. A bolt of lightning strikes directly at you. You are unable to control your convulsing muscles, and the chicken escapes once again. You hear Guthix yelling obscenities at you and the druids start laughing. Kick Kaqemeex in the balls to shut them up, and go after the chicken. The chicken runs straight into a house with a staircase leading to a tunnel below the White Wolf Mountain.


 * Try to follow the chicken, but a dwarf stops you and tells you that only his friends are allowed to enter his house. Give him a friendly punch in the face and dive into the tunnel. Chase the chicken in the tunnels and you finally catch it. An empty beer glass flies from the nearby underground pub and hits you in the head, allowing the chicken to escape once more. You hear a drunken dwarf yelling sorry, followed by bursts of spiteful laughter. Kick the support struts nearby and the ceiling of the pub collapses, brutally burying the dwarves alive, accompanied by screams of utter agony.


 * Continue chasing the chicken and you will eventually arrive in Camelot. The chicken flies over the fence, into the courtyard. Knock on the gate and a knight asks "who's there?". No matter what you reply, he's too dumb to get the joke. Pick up the random battering ram lying near the gate, and destroy the gate. Enraged by your stunt, a group of violent knights starts chasing you. Run towards Seer's Village, and you notice that the chicken has left Camelot too.


 * Chase the chicken all around Kandarin, while simultaneously trying to avoid the attacks of the angry knights. Eventually you arrive on a pier in the lake above Baxtorian Falls. You accidentally step on a slimy anchovy, slip, and fall into the whirlpool. You wake up in the nest of a Mithril Dragon. Quickly grab one of the dragon eggs and click Home teleport to Lumbridge before the mother returns.


 * Put the dragon egg in the microwave. It soon explodes and the whole kitchen is covered in a nasty mess. You and the cook come to the conclusion that the microwave oven is not suitable for cooking eggs. And now it's time to finally get some food for Duke Huoracio.

Finishing up

 * The cook will give you some coins and tell you to buy a kebab. Travel to Al Kharid and buy a kebab from Karim. Return to Lumbridge and give the kebab to Duke Horacio. He happily eats it, chuckles satisfiedly, grabs you by your shoulders, looks you directly into the eyes, and says: "Fuck off"

'''Congratulations! Quest completed!'''

Rewards

 * 1 Quest point
 * 25 Crafting experience
 * 20 Smithing experience
 * 3 Hunter experience
 * 0.5 Thieving experience
 * -300 Cooking experience
 * Permission to use the microwave oven, which will allow even a clumsy fuck like you to cook food without burning it completely
 * Permanently banned from Dorgesh-Kaan, or whatever is left of it
 * Permanently banned from Taverley
 * Permanently banned from the tunnels below White Wolf Mountain
 * Permanently banned from Camelot
 * Permanently banned from the Groats' farm
 * Permanently banned from Lumbridge too, after they found out who destroyed the windmill
 * An incredible amount of diseases from roaming around the sewers
 * A bucket.

Additional rewards if you forgot or "forgot" to get your clothes back during the events of Dorgesh-Kaan:
 * Permanently banned from most places on Gielinor
 * Pneumonia

Trivia

 * Kebabs are based on a real life food known as kebab. Food is usually edible. Eating is necessary for a human. Without food you starve and die. Dying is bad. When you're dead, you become unable to live. Nice.


 * Like their distant relatives frogs, the goblins also reproduce by laying eggs. Finding a goblin egg in your bathtub is said to be an ill omen. They are said to taste similar to chompy bird eggs, although usually they are just used for bathing in.


 * The Oracle's prophecy turned out to be a lie, as only half of the cabbages turned black. And only every fourth potato started tasting of strawberries.


 * Flying kebabs are just a myth. In reality they levitate, by utilizing their divine powers.