Lumbridge Cook

Lumbridge Cook is a "nutritional professional" who works at Lumbridge castle. He's actually a cabbage farmer from Falador, who got lost during his drunken adventures one night. His speciality is doubling food poisoning rates in Lumbridge, and increasing weekly food loss by 300%.

He's one of the main characters in the quest Cook's Assistant.

History
He was born in a barn in Falador, as the firstborn of a farmer couple. As a child, he and his father often visited the chemist at Rimmington. While his father was buying ultracompost, he went to sniff some glue that the chemist had invented, to pass time. Luckily it seems like it didn't do any permanent damage to his brains.

One of his favourite hobbies is getting drunk af. He prefers to produce his own drinks, such as the cabbage kilju. He makes it by filling a bucket with water and cabbages. After that he boils the water, so that the cabbage flavour would dissolve into the liquid. Next he adds sugar and yeast. Then he closes the lid and leaves it to ferment for a few weeks.

On his 44th birthday, he drank a whole bucket of home-distilled potato booze. Nobody recalls what happened after that, but in the morning he woke up laying naked in one of the fountains of Lumbridge castle.

The guy who orbits the castle, Hans, temporarily left his orbit to fish the naked farmer out of the fountain. Hans was feeling generous that day, so he donated his clothes to the naked farmer, and then returned to his job as the human satellite of Lumbridge castle.

Duke Horacio noticed the naked Hans from his window, and threw a Karil's chinchompa at him. Scared by the explosion, Hans dashed straight into the nearby forest, forgetting that A: he was still naked, and B: the forest is full of goblins. Two days later Hans finally emerged back from the forest, walking in a weird pose with difficulty, complaining about a pain in his ass.

Duke Horacio was not happy. He notified Hans that being the sex slave of goblins for two days is not a valid excuse to skip work, and the only way to compensate for those two days is to bend over. Hans left Duke Horacio's room with an even greater pain in his ass.

Soon after, the cabbage farmer walked into the room and asked Duke Horacio if he got a job for him. He told him that the previous cook got decapitated for stealing 3 potatoes from his cellar, so a new cook would be nice. The farmer was desperate and accepted the job, despite the fact that he had never cooked anything else than alcohol in his entire life.