Sheep Shearer

Fred the Farmer is having a small problem, and he needs someone, who's not afraid to get their hands dirty, to do him a little favour.

Trouble at the farm

 * Talk to Fred the Farmer in his farm, north of Lumbridge. Ask for a quest.


 * Fred tells you that he happens to have a small job for anyone strong and violent enough. Duke Horacio has increased the sheep tax again, leading to a situation where having sheep is no longer profitable. He now wants to get rid of the sheep, but killing them directly is not an option, since PETA forbids that. Fred suggests that you kill the sheep through a shearing "accident".


 * Accept the contract and enter the sheep pen. Attack and mutilate a sheep with the shears. Unfortunately, it's not very effective. You see a cutscene of a half-dead sheep running around aimlessly, squealing in pain, and splattering blood all over the pen and your clothes. Eventually Fred enters the pen and ends the sheep's suffering by suffocating it with a bucket. A farm inspector happens to walk by and see everything.


 * The farm inspector threatens to report you to the authorities, so quickly kill him. Pick up his body and feed it to the pigs. Fred says he has an idea, and runs to his workshop. Patiently wait for a few hours.


 * Eventually Fred returns and hands you a pair of shears the size of a godsword. You need 99 Strength to use them. Return to the sheep pen and get a sheep between the blades of the shears. Use all your strength to attempt operating the shears. You hear unspeakable sounds of pure anguish, horror and death. The muscles snap, the bones crack and the veins spring out and begin squirting blood everywhere. Finally the sheep cuts in half, accompanied by a loud pop, puff and hiss. A pool of bodily fluids begins to cover the ground. You take a sip and note that they taste like strawberry juice.


 * Walk to the next sheep and attempt to do the same thing. This time you slightly fuck up, and the shears slip at halfway. You hear nasty noises and attempt to fix your mistake. Panic and desperately throb the shears deeper inside the sheep. Suddenly the sheep yells "OOF!" and breaks into small pieces.


 * Perform the same ritual on the rest of the sheep. Gather all the sheep pieces and place them into one big pile. Fred brings a canister of gasoline and prepares to set the pile on fire. Unlucky for you, a PETA fanatic suddenly appears and sees what you have done. Before you manage to react, he runs away to the authorities.

Wanted

 * You receive a 1 star wanted level. Six Lumbridge guards arrive at the farm and tell you that you're under arrest. Fred yells that he ain't going to prison, and shoots a guard in the head with a mithril crossbow. Help Fred kill all the guards.


 * You receive a 2 star wanted level. Reinforcements arrive, 12 guards from Port Sarim. Decapitate them all.


 * You receive a 3 star wanted level. Misthalin officials send 15 white knights after you. Destroy them.


 * You receive a 4 star wanted level. Six agents from Draynor and a gnomecopter arrive. Kill the agents while avoiding the missiles of the gnomecopter. Pick up a potato cannon from the nearby bush and shoot the gnomecopter. After you get 3 successful hits, the copter falls and explodes.


 * You receive a 5 star wanted level. Ten elite knights from Varrock march to the farm. Retreat to the chicken pen and fight the knights.


 * Fred gets wounded and starts bleeding heavily. Finish the knights and retreat to Fred's house. Lock the door and help Fred bandage himself.


 * The situation seems to have calmed down, so you decide to have some tea and biscuits with Fred. Suddenly you hear someone banging on the door. Fred almost chokes on his tea and your heart skips a beat. Sneak to the window and peek outside. You only see a harmless raccoon humping the door. Phew.


 * After a while, you hear banging at the door again. Assuming it's the raccoon again, you decide to start walking towards the door and plan on chasing it away. Suddenly the blade of an axe penetrates the door. You hear someone yell "Here's Johnny!", and the door gets kicked off its hinges. A bunch of mercenaries and assassins rush inside and attack you.


 * Fight the attackers. If you're having trouble surviving, you can try to trap the assassins behind Fred's sofa.


 * You receive a 6 star wanted level. Suddenly a catapult hurls a huge rock at Fred's house, destroying half of its roof. You hear more catapults being launched, and Fred's house is reduced to rubble. Run to the nearby trapdoor and retreat to Fred's cellar.


 * A few hours later, Sir Prysin jumps down into the cellar, along with 40 white knights. Defeat them all, and Sir Amik Varze arrives shortly after. Fight him, and remember to avoid his deadly special attack, which can hit up to 80% of your max health and infect you with HIV.


 * Climb back up from the cellar and return to the sheep pen. All you see around you is endless piles of mutilated bodies, cracked bones, rotting organs and pools of blood and other bodily fluids. Once you're fully prepared, talk to Fred to begin the next part.

Saradomin's fury

 * Fred suggests a match of football. Return to the cellar and rip Sir Amik Varze's head off. Return to Fred, and you see a cutscene of you kicking Sir Amik Varze's head back and forth among the myriad piles of dead guards and knights.


 * Suddenly you get a feeling that desecrating the bodies of holy knights might not be a good idea after all. You hear a loud rumble in the sky. Bolts of lightning strike close by. A bright light opens in the sky and almost burns your eyes. Saradomin descends from the sky and lands in front of you. Saradomin roars in a mighty echoing voice: "You have committed crimes against Misthalin and its people. What say you in your defence?". After a moment of heavy thinking, you decide to go with "kys!".


 * Saradomin slams his staff against the ground and you see a bright light. Suddenly your body rips into 4 pieces. Miraculously, you somehow stay alive. Saradomin looks confused and meanwhile Fred is still processing the information with a blank stare. All of a sudden, Zamorak appears from behind the nearby tree, and explains that his magic is preventing you from dying.


 * Now you have to defeat Saradomin with the help of Zamorak's power. The tricky part is that you have to control the 4 pieces of your body separately. Each piece has its own abilities, and you need to utilize them all.

The abilities work as follows:
 * Head
 * Roll: Quickly travels 5 squares forward. Good for avoiding the lightning bolt attack.
 * Spit: Can be used to extinguish the trails of fire left by lightning bolts.
 * Insult: Can be used to lure Saradomin to rotate towards your head.
 * Torso&Arms
 * Middle finger: Can be used to interrupt Saradomin's lethal special attack.
 * Fist: Fists Saradomin from behind.
 * Legs
 * Kick: Kicks Saradomin's butt, forcing him to bend over.
 * Run: Used for avoiding lightning bolts.
 * Benis:
 * Helicopter: Can be used to disturb Saradomin, causing him to fail his attacks.
 * Cum: Does exactly that.


 * Activate roll or run whenever he starts sending lightning bolts at you. Extinguish any fires with the spit ability. When Saradomin lifts his staff to prepare his special attack, quickly activate middle finger. Activate helicopter whenever it comes off cooldown, to conserve health.


 * To damage him, you must first activate the insult ability, so that he turns to face away from the legs. Once Saradomin is aligned correctly, activate the kick ability. Your legs kick him in the butt and he bends over. Now quickly activate the fist ability, brutally fisting him in the ass. Finally quickly fill him with joy by using the cum ability. Saradomin roars in excitement and loses 10% of his health.

The Apocalypse

 * Once Saradomin's health goes to 0, he slams his staff against the ground and a burst of energy is released. Your body becomes whole again. Suddenly all the 100 dead bodies around you absorb Saradomin's energy and rise from the dead, becoming Holy Zombies.


 * Zamorak boosts all your combat stats to 666, and you must now defeat all the zombies. After they're all dead (again), something extremely interesting happens. The pile of mutilated sheep organs absorbs a huge burst of Saradomin's energy, creating a massive abomination called The Fluffy Harbinger of the Woolly Apocalypse.


 * Even with the boosted stats, this battle might take up to 13 hours. The Sheep Harbinger abomination thingy has a defence level of 9,000, and 50,000 health.


 * Once its health goes to 0, it explodes and covers the entire Lumbridge in a layer of rotting organs and flesh. All the citizens begin screaming in horror and escape the town. Even Duke Horacio leaves his castle for the first time in 23 years, wielding a fork and a knife in his hands. He begins to eat the rotting flesh from the walls, devours a slimy sheep kidney in one go, and flushes it down with the liquid insides of a rotten testicle.

The End

 * Talk to Fred the Farmer, who informs you that the situation possibly slightly escalated, but nevertheless the job seems to have been completed. Fred hands you a hefty sum of 60 coins. Suddenly an irritated goblin walks to you, complaining about all the noises caused by your genocide, causing him to wake up from his slumber.


 * The goblin demands you to pay him 10 coins as a compensation. You don't have that kind of money so simply kill him. Finally there's peace and calm. Or not. You look at the horizon and see Bandos, angered by the death of that goblin, approaching the farm. Quickly say goodbye to Fred, run away from the farm as fast and far as possible, and leave Fred to his dreadful fate.

Rewards

 * Lifetime supply of rotting organs
 * 60 Coins

Trivia

 * In real life, eating rotting flesh and organs is not recommended according to medical professionals. They can cause a lot of nasty diseases and diarrhea.