Hans

Hans is a man who lives in Lumbridge and works for Duke Horacio. His job is to be a human satellite. He orbits the Lumbridge Castle. People can disrupt him by asking dumb questions and threatening to kill him. It's not a very friendly thing to do though, because Duke Horacio will punish him for irregular orbit.

During Christmas 2018, Hans crashed into some space debris, also known as a chair. Hans got stuck on the chair for multiple weeks, which absolutely enraged Duke Horacio. Eventually Horacio destroyed the space debris using a heavy axe. Hans's failure to follow the orbit for 3 weeks lead to him having to compensate for the lost revolutions. Hans has to pay the debt by giving Horacio daily blowjobs for 6 months.

While sitting on the chair, Hans also got molested by a strange creature from Entrana. It is rumoured that the creature was born when a human male fucked a female cat, but it's unknown who this person is.

Hans's perigee is approximately 1 square, and the apogee approximately 3 squares. Hans's orbital period is about 60 seconds, and the average orbital speed approximately 1.667 squares per second.